Friday, January 7, 2011

That Darn New Years Post, 2011

Okay, so I'm 6 days late in posting a "new years" post. So sue me.

This year has been... a roller coaster ride. That about sums it up. Ups, downs, mood shifts, medication shifts, LOTS of medical bills, debt. Me: insane, sane, insane again, insane X 2 in April, sane, insane X2 AGAIN in December.

This year, I said hello, and goodbye, to two angel babies. This year, Tamsyn turned 1, started walking, started talking, and -finally- started to have her skin cleared up. This year, Morrigan turned 3, had wonderful birthday party, learned her ABC's, outgrew her beloved 'sparkly shoes', and learned a LOT about sharing.

This year Ben helped me through what I believe is the hardest year of my life. Despite the mood swings, the depression, the mania, he has been there. Maybe not the BEST supportive, but trying, and always my anchor.

So what does 2011 bring? Well, so far, it brings sanity and stability. The medications I started a week ago have held true - so far. My house is cleaner. I am able to organize and 'pretty' up things like the bookcases. I bought candlesticks, and they are now gracing our table.

I am able to cuddle my children again. I am able to speak nicely to them instead of yelling. I am able to bake again - bread, biscuits, you name it. The fog that surrounded my head seems gone. Even the simple tasks, like turning out a light as you leave the room, are suddenly clearer.

For some this might seem trivial. For me? Life-changing. Mind-blowing. For years, here I was, thinking I was just a horribly bad person who couldn't stick to a routine - or anything - to save her life. Turns out I'm bipolar. I'm sick. But it's treatable. It can be managed. I'm not really that selfish little brat. I'm not really a money-spending fiend. I don't really hate my life or my children.

I still have moments, over the last week. Yesterday I had the itch to spend money. But instead of the hundred dollar shopping spree I USED to do, I was content with a $14 goodwill trip. Content with it. Not scrounging for quarters so I could buy-buy-buy.

Today I'm a little irritable. I blame the beers I had last night. But again, it's manageable. It's NOTHING like what it would have been.

It's amazing and I can only pray, and hope, and wish, that this is true stability and not a swing.