Random Tuesday: I'm Screwed Version

Oiy.

Alright, so.
Rule 1: Drinking while on meds = craptastic day the next day.

Rule 2: Having a usual med schedule of 9pm, and then taking them at 3am for two days = total screw-up of stability.

I'm teetering on the edge of stable and messed up. The last two days have been a glimpse back into months ago and suddenly I am completely 100% committed to my meds schedule.

Go me.

That being said, I have no energy, mental clarity, or even real desire to blog lately.

Or really any desire to do anything other than watch The Riches, drool over Eddie Izzard, zone practically into unconsciousness, and barely skim by on house chores. Laundry for the sole purpose to heat the house.

Hopefully between no drinking and stabilization of med schedule will even things out again. I was riding a wonderful 4-week straight line (or at least, a very very tiny wave of a line). Now in the last four days it's all been nutty.

Ah well. Ride the waves until things stabilize again.

Kudos
Ket

The Bipolar Post I Promised

So yesterday I was ranting about money and started into bipolar and it went on and on and on so I decided to make it a different post.

So, here's the background: We're talking about money, accumulation of debt, and spending.
Read on.

When you're on a high, you either don't consider the implications of spending money (not being able to pay a bill later) or you rationalize it (oh, i'll 'pay it back' after the next paycheck). Mania and credit cards are terrible, disastrous mixes. I have, personally, charged a single credit card to it's limit within one week, riding the mania wave, buying stupid things like trying to outfit my whole bathroom for $400 at Kohls and decided I needed this and that and this for the kitchen and buying $400 worth of clothes at Kohls (can you tell me + kohls = disaster?). At the time i NEEDED THAT STUFF. Dead serious. I felt if I didn't get those clothes, I would have absolutely nothing to wear. If I didn't get that iced tea maker, I would DIE from lack of something to drink.

Seriously. It's like the part of your brain that is wired for survival? You know, eat sleep defend? It gets somehow sidetracked into buying things. Instead of eat-sleep-defend, it turns into buy-need-spend.
And somewhere, in the tiny, itty bitty sane part of your brain, you KNOW you shouldn't be spending the money. You KNOW it will only lead to disaster. You KNOW you don't have it. You KNOW you're going to overdraft your bank account. And you CARE. You really care! It's not just "screw it". You really care.
But somehow, the idea of "this is going to get me in trouble" and the action of "buying this" does. not. connect.


It's like trying to fit a square peg in a triangle hole. Your mind doesn't connect the thought to the process.
It's the same thing with cleaning house. Either you're so mired in decisions (a whoollleeeeee 'nother thing) or you can't seem to connect wanting a clean house to cleaning. Or wanting the dishes to be done, to actually doing them.

It sounds totally stupid, but I swear, it's true. On a down cycle, I will tell myself, in literal words, "I have to do this."
And I will sit there and stare at it for a minute, and then walk away. There are times where I have told Ben "Tell me to do this," And he will, and I will be able to do it. But if I talk to myself, I won't do it.
Sounds a lot like being lazy. But again. I swear it's not. It's not that I don't want to do it. It's not that I'm trying to avoid it. It just doesn't connect.
And when I'm sane/stable/not down/not manic, I see this. I can type it out. But when i'm down? I don't notice. I seriously do not notice that I walk away without doing whatever it was that needed done. It's like I blank out.

Or even worse, the decisions. Oh god the decisions.

When you're up, your head is racing so fast that decisions are first-come-first-served. You don't actually 'decide'. You have a thought and act on if. If it's a question "What should I wear?" you go to the first thing you think of, regardless if it's a good 'decision'. Example: wearing a short skirt in the middle of winter because it's the first thing you thought about. And you don't consider anything else, because that first thought IS PERFECT. Or, another example, you find a craigslist a goat for sale. And it's PERFECT. Nevermind that you don't have fencing, feed, or anything else you need. You get that goat.

Later, when you come off the 'high', you're stuck with a goat who is starving and has no place to live.

When you're down, well, decisions are the other way around. You CANNOT decide. You complicate every little decision until you are totally overwhelmed.
Doing the dishes is not just 'wash the dishes'. It's "where do I start? Which dish do I start with? Maybe I should clear the counters first so I can put the dishes on there to see what I need to wash. But to do that I'd have to put away the stuff I used to bake with last night... and some of that is dishes, so where do I put those? Do I put them with the dishes? But I don't have room for the dishes!" ETC.
You can see how, after five minutes of standing there with THIS running through your head,  you'd get overwhelmed. And you sit down.

And that survival instict, the one that had morphed into buy-buy-buy when you were manic, dumbs back down to eat-sleep-defend. And nothing else.

A week later when  you're stable, you look back and go "WTF? Why couldn't I just pick up a dish and wash it?"

It's Almost Soothing

I went manic tonight. Or at least, hypomanic - not a full blown mania, but the racing thoughts, twitchy nerves. Imagine having 6 cups of coffee, right after each other, within an hour.

That's hypomanic. Or at least, part of it. That's the best description I have.

It was like a light switch. I checked my mood journal. I have alarms set on my phone for 10am, 4pm, and 9pm to mood track.

My 4pm is a 4 out of 10... a "bad hair day". Slightly sluggish, but functional.
My 6pm? 6 out of 10. The high front of a good day. Riding on good feelings.
By 8 I knew I was hypomanic. I was speaking to my mother on the phone (something I normally avoid) while doing dishes. Ben couldn't follow the conversation easily. He said I kept switching topics. I was scrubbing things (the carpet) that wouldn't normally be part of my cleaning routine.

Now, two glasses of wine later, I feel stable again. I guess that should tell you how up I was. Two glasses of wine (slightly full, actually) make me feel grounded.

I still have racing thoughts. Is this post even make sense, I wonder? I'm watching True Blood with a sort of interested detachment. I'm wrapped in a blanket, munching on Snickers bars and Reeses. (Things I don't normally eat).
I have a huge craving for baked goods. Even plain, french bread with butter. I'd die for a piece of NorthStar Diner's bread. Carbs.
I have that happy go lucky idea of "all will be well". I spent too much on groceries today (which I rectified by putting next week's grocery money towards bills instead. Evened out. But still).

The good news is, it's a different kind of manic than it used to be.
Manic used to be irritable. Eating out. Spending money. Randomly buying animals, junk, etc. Unfocused. Unable to control.

This time it's different. I controlled it. I put back non-food items at the grocery store. It sounds simple, but good god, it wasn't. I was able to tell Ben to put the grocery cash back in the bank. I was able to pay bills, with Ben watching over my shoulder, with a fairly clear head.

Even manic, I feel more stable than I have in ages.

I can only hope that this mania was caused by lack of sleep, too much sleep (oddly enough, I had BOTH last night. Figure THAT out). Or from outside causes.

Either way, I'm okay with it. For now. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

That Darn New Years Post, 2011

Okay, so I'm 6 days late in posting a "new years" post. So sue me.

This year has been... a roller coaster ride. That about sums it up. Ups, downs, mood shifts, medication shifts, LOTS of medical bills, debt. Me: insane, sane, insane again, insane X 2 in April, sane, insane X2 AGAIN in December.

This year, I said hello, and goodbye, to two angel babies. This year, Tamsyn turned 1, started walking, started talking, and -finally- started to have her skin cleared up. This year, Morrigan turned 3, had wonderful birthday party, learned her ABC's, outgrew her beloved 'sparkly shoes', and learned a LOT about sharing.

This year Ben helped me through what I believe is the hardest year of my life. Despite the mood swings, the depression, the mania, he has been there. Maybe not the BEST supportive, but trying, and always my anchor.

So what does 2011 bring? Well, so far, it brings sanity and stability. The medications I started a week ago have held true - so far. My house is cleaner. I am able to organize and 'pretty' up things like the bookcases. I bought candlesticks, and they are now gracing our table.

I am able to cuddle my children again. I am able to speak nicely to them instead of yelling. I am able to bake again - bread, biscuits, you name it. The fog that surrounded my head seems gone. Even the simple tasks, like turning out a light as you leave the room, are suddenly clearer.

For some this might seem trivial. For me? Life-changing. Mind-blowing. For years, here I was, thinking I was just a horribly bad person who couldn't stick to a routine - or anything - to save her life. Turns out I'm bipolar. I'm sick. But it's treatable. It can be managed. I'm not really that selfish little brat. I'm not really a money-spending fiend. I don't really hate my life or my children.

I still have moments, over the last week. Yesterday I had the itch to spend money. But instead of the hundred dollar shopping spree I USED to do, I was content with a $14 goodwill trip. Content with it. Not scrounging for quarters so I could buy-buy-buy.

Today I'm a little irritable. I blame the beers I had last night. But again, it's manageable. It's NOTHING like what it would have been.

It's amazing and I can only pray, and hope, and wish, that this is true stability and not a swing.