Saturday, January 15, 2011

It's Cold. I Feel Like Crap.

I'm sick of being cold.

(Disclaimer: I'm on the low end of a bipolar cycle, and also haven't eaten all day = in a crappy, i-hate-life mood)

I am cold every day. Not just put-on-some-slippers cold. But five layer tank top - shirt - long sleeved shirt - sweatshirt - hoodie - COLD.

We wood-heat only. AND, thanks to a wonderful, lovely, screw-you cold snap in late Nov, we used a LOT of wood. Too much. Much more than we estimated. So we're running low on wood, and rationing. So, cold.

But I am S.I.C.K. of being COLD.
I love winter. I do. I'm a winter gal. I have no problem being cold outside. I'll go take care of the goats in the 27 degree weather and not notice. But inside? Inside = warm, in my mind. And when inside = barely warmer than outside, my mind refuses to comprehend.

My kids are driving me loony. I counted up the days since I've been without them, and came up with New Years. Which doesn't seem that long, really, but then Ben wasn't feeling good, so the last 2 weeks I have had them 24/7. I have woken them up, taken care of them all day, taken care of them after Ben gets home (oh, and taking care of HIM too), put them to bed, gotten up with them 2-3 times per night.
Non. Stop.

And I am so sick of them. And that's a horrible thing to say, really it is. Because since being on the new meds, I've been able to 'enjoy' them again. Snuggle them, play with them, etc. But now? I'm just sick of them. I took off for 2 hours this morning to the local coffee shop to work on some Russian, and that was REALLY nice. And I'm sure a lot of you are going "wow, 2 hours, that rocks, I wish I could have that!" but 2 hours doesn't cut it for me. I'm more of a gone-all-day-be-home-for-dinner gal. I just need more than a few hours to 'reset'.

Screw this, I just put more wood on the fire. I'm COLD dude. We'll buy wood if we need to. It's still cheaper than electric heat.

Our money is out of control. Well, actually, we don't have any money, so I guess it doesn't matter. I confirmed with the insurance company that we do NOT want OUR car fixed (we looked, it'll be $400 to fix it, less if we can junkyard the parts, so screw the insurance's $1000 deductible). Hopefully the fact that we didn't use the collision part helps our rates stay down. I also found out we're a "platinum" member for being with them so long and they have "small accident forgiveness" which I THINK means less than $500 property damage, but it might be more, so we MIGHT get off with no rate increase. Or very little. So that's awesome.

However. We're still not making ends meet. Or really we're making SOME ends meet. Just not all of them.
Dear lord let our tax refund be more than 3k. Know how awesome that would be? FREAKING AWESOME.

Why do people not talk about money? I never understood that. Ask me, I'll tell you how much we make, how much we spend, how much debt we have. Of course I'll ask Ben FIRST before I tell you to make sure he's okay with it, but really, I, myself, have no problem with it. I'll tell you upfront what I make! Zero. Zip.

The guilt is back. I'm here sitting at home doing dishes while hubby's out there making, you know, money. And money is society. Money money money. You can't turn on the radio, TV, look at the newspaper, or visit a friend without money coming up. We are so focused on money as a society and I am trapped in it even more than I want to be.

I hate having debt. I hate it even more because I feel 90% responsible for it. First off I brought a fair amount into the marriage. I remember Ben wanted to wait to get married until I got all my debt paid off. That was almost 4 years ago. I STILL have some of that debt. Plus more. LOTS more. It makes me want to bang my head on the desk. I blame the bipolar. And that sounds like a cop-out but it's really not.

I was going to go on and on about the bipolar thing but I think I'll make that a separate post. Otherwise this post would be 19 pages long. Yes, 19. Exactly.

Thanks for reading.


rae said...

i don't know why people don't talk about money. it bugs me. i'll talk about money and then i feel like people are reacting as if i were discussing sex problems or something weird. :P

last couple years we made 28k/29k a year, i made nothing, well maybe like $100 in 2009. we have about 5k in credit card debt, mostly from buying things like floors for the house and curtains and concrete to patch things. house crap.

we're hoping to get like $7000 back on taxes so that we can buy a furnace (3,500) and be LESS COLD YAY! and then oh, we owe my dad $1,200 for my car. But I'm going to do payments with him, once we have income. The other 3,500 from taxes will go to paying most of the credit cards off because i'm SICK of making payments, and then with the little left, i'm buying some winter chacos (right now i'm wearing chaco sandals) and we're hoping to get a couch.

there's our money plans.

as for surviving without a job, britt's been painting and doing "handy" stuff for friends, he's dumpster diving and finding a lot of food, and we have food stamps. in the end, our bills are getting paid so far. we do have some big ones in the beginning of feb i'm a little concerned about, but once we get the last w2, we'll be able to take care of things even if britt's unemployed.

the end. :p