It's Cold. I Feel Like Crap.

I'm sick of being cold.

(Disclaimer: I'm on the low end of a bipolar cycle, and also haven't eaten all day = in a crappy, i-hate-life mood)

I am cold every day. Not just put-on-some-slippers cold. But five layer tank top - shirt - long sleeved shirt - sweatshirt - hoodie - COLD.

We wood-heat only. AND, thanks to a wonderful, lovely, screw-you cold snap in late Nov, we used a LOT of wood. Too much. Much more than we estimated. So we're running low on wood, and rationing. So, cold.

But I am S.I.C.K. of being COLD.
I love winter. I do. I'm a winter gal. I have no problem being cold outside. I'll go take care of the goats in the 27 degree weather and not notice. But inside? Inside = warm, in my mind. And when inside = barely warmer than outside, my mind refuses to comprehend.

My kids are driving me loony. I counted up the days since I've been without them, and came up with New Years. Which doesn't seem that long, really, but then Ben wasn't feeling good, so the last 2 weeks I have had them 24/7. I have woken them up, taken care of them all day, taken care of them after Ben gets home (oh, and taking care of HIM too), put them to bed, gotten up with them 2-3 times per night.
Non. Stop.

And I am so sick of them. And that's a horrible thing to say, really it is. Because since being on the new meds, I've been able to 'enjoy' them again. Snuggle them, play with them, etc. But now? I'm just sick of them. I took off for 2 hours this morning to the local coffee shop to work on some Russian, and that was REALLY nice. And I'm sure a lot of you are going "wow, 2 hours, that rocks, I wish I could have that!" but 2 hours doesn't cut it for me. I'm more of a gone-all-day-be-home-for-dinner gal. I just need more than a few hours to 'reset'.

Screw this, I just put more wood on the fire. I'm COLD dude. We'll buy wood if we need to. It's still cheaper than electric heat.

Our money is out of control. Well, actually, we don't have any money, so I guess it doesn't matter. I confirmed with the insurance company that we do NOT want OUR car fixed (we looked, it'll be $400 to fix it, less if we can junkyard the parts, so screw the insurance's $1000 deductible). Hopefully the fact that we didn't use the collision part helps our rates stay down. I also found out we're a "platinum" member for being with them so long and they have "small accident forgiveness" which I THINK means less than $500 property damage, but it might be more, so we MIGHT get off with no rate increase. Or very little. So that's awesome.

However. We're still not making ends meet. Or really we're making SOME ends meet. Just not all of them.
Dear lord let our tax refund be more than 3k. Know how awesome that would be? FREAKING AWESOME.

Why do people not talk about money? I never understood that. Ask me, I'll tell you how much we make, how much we spend, how much debt we have. Of course I'll ask Ben FIRST before I tell you to make sure he's okay with it, but really, I, myself, have no problem with it. I'll tell you upfront what I make! Zero. Zip.

The guilt is back. I'm here sitting at home doing dishes while hubby's out there making, you know, money. And money is society. Money money money. You can't turn on the radio, TV, look at the newspaper, or visit a friend without money coming up. We are so focused on money as a society and I am trapped in it even more than I want to be.

I hate having debt. I hate it even more because I feel 90% responsible for it. First off I brought a fair amount into the marriage. I remember Ben wanted to wait to get married until I got all my debt paid off. That was almost 4 years ago. I STILL have some of that debt. Plus more. LOTS more. It makes me want to bang my head on the desk. I blame the bipolar. And that sounds like a cop-out but it's really not.

I was going to go on and on about the bipolar thing but I think I'll make that a separate post. Otherwise this post would be 19 pages long. Yes, 19. Exactly.

Thanks for reading.

That Darn New Years Post, 2011

Okay, so I'm 6 days late in posting a "new years" post. So sue me.

This year has been... a roller coaster ride. That about sums it up. Ups, downs, mood shifts, medication shifts, LOTS of medical bills, debt. Me: insane, sane, insane again, insane X 2 in April, sane, insane X2 AGAIN in December.

This year, I said hello, and goodbye, to two angel babies. This year, Tamsyn turned 1, started walking, started talking, and -finally- started to have her skin cleared up. This year, Morrigan turned 3, had wonderful birthday party, learned her ABC's, outgrew her beloved 'sparkly shoes', and learned a LOT about sharing.

This year Ben helped me through what I believe is the hardest year of my life. Despite the mood swings, the depression, the mania, he has been there. Maybe not the BEST supportive, but trying, and always my anchor.

So what does 2011 bring? Well, so far, it brings sanity and stability. The medications I started a week ago have held true - so far. My house is cleaner. I am able to organize and 'pretty' up things like the bookcases. I bought candlesticks, and they are now gracing our table.

I am able to cuddle my children again. I am able to speak nicely to them instead of yelling. I am able to bake again - bread, biscuits, you name it. The fog that surrounded my head seems gone. Even the simple tasks, like turning out a light as you leave the room, are suddenly clearer.

For some this might seem trivial. For me? Life-changing. Mind-blowing. For years, here I was, thinking I was just a horribly bad person who couldn't stick to a routine - or anything - to save her life. Turns out I'm bipolar. I'm sick. But it's treatable. It can be managed. I'm not really that selfish little brat. I'm not really a money-spending fiend. I don't really hate my life or my children.

I still have moments, over the last week. Yesterday I had the itch to spend money. But instead of the hundred dollar shopping spree I USED to do, I was content with a $14 goodwill trip. Content with it. Not scrounging for quarters so I could buy-buy-buy.

Today I'm a little irritable. I blame the beers I had last night. But again, it's manageable. It's NOTHING like what it would have been.

It's amazing and I can only pray, and hope, and wish, that this is true stability and not a swing.

Budget Musings

Yesterday I was crunching some numbers to see what we could cut in order to pay down our debt. The trick is, the house doesn't get added on to until all the debt is paid off. And I have this obsession with sun rooms. And guess what? We have plenty of space on the front of the house to add a sun room!

Problem is we can't until all the debt is paid off.

So, after crunching numbers, I realized a few things.

1. We pay way way too much on cell phones.
Solution: Keep the contract for Ben, put my phone on pre-paid. (I used a total of 13 minutes last month... seriously.)

2. Our electric heater and A/C sucks down energy like nobody's business.
Solution: Wood heat with free wood picked up throughout the year. Run the A/C only when it gets unbearable.

3. We spend way too much on fast food.
Solution: Uh, stop eating out.

4. We spend way too much on beer.
Solution: Track a month's spending, cut it in half (or more), and stick it in the budget.

5. We spend way too much on gas.
Solution: Try to combine trips. Have Ben stop at grocery stores/libraries/post office/etc on his way home instead of driving the half hour separate trip. Buy gas when cheap and store in the 55 gal 'gas pump' we have in the garage.

6. Impulse buying at the grocery store.
Solution: Make Ben go with a list. He will be clueless in the store, and therefor will only buy what is on the list in fear of his life.

7. The grocery bill.
This is the hardest one, I think. Currently we spend $400/mo on groceries. This does include the very few (toilet paper, ziplocs... can't think of anything else) disposable items we buy.
But that means we're spending about $15 per day for food. I find this outrageous for some reason.
Solution: Spend $10/day, a total of $70/week, on FOOD ONLY. Budget paper products as needed. Shop sales (big time). Plan out all meals, including snacks. Try to stock up on big sales out of that $70, if possible.

A lot of our budget was eaten up by me NOT checking sales. Now I have a price book that shows me what a good deal is, and what a bad deal is. Especially across stores. For example, Kroger had grapes at $1/lb, which I consider a great deal... until I saw that Carnival had them for 88 cents/lb. The difference doesn't add up to much... until you buy 10 pounds, and realize that's a $1 less. Again, not much, until you realize that many items have that same price arrangement. And those cents add up, so I've noticed! Also coupons are wonderful.

So, $10/day. This should be extremely interesting. I'm going to try to do it for one month, and put that $120 aside for money for stock piling.

Wish me luck!