Friday, January 7, 2011

It's Almost Soothing

I went manic tonight. Or at least, hypomanic - not a full blown mania, but the racing thoughts, twitchy nerves. Imagine having 6 cups of coffee, right after each other, within an hour.

That's hypomanic. Or at least, part of it. That's the best description I have.

It was like a light switch. I checked my mood journal. I have alarms set on my phone for 10am, 4pm, and 9pm to mood track.

My 4pm is a 4 out of 10... a "bad hair day". Slightly sluggish, but functional.
My 6pm? 6 out of 10. The high front of a good day. Riding on good feelings.
By 8 I knew I was hypomanic. I was speaking to my mother on the phone (something I normally avoid) while doing dishes. Ben couldn't follow the conversation easily. He said I kept switching topics. I was scrubbing things (the carpet) that wouldn't normally be part of my cleaning routine.

Now, two glasses of wine later, I feel stable again. I guess that should tell you how up I was. Two glasses of wine (slightly full, actually) make me feel grounded.

I still have racing thoughts. Is this post even make sense, I wonder? I'm watching True Blood with a sort of interested detachment. I'm wrapped in a blanket, munching on Snickers bars and Reeses. (Things I don't normally eat).
I have a huge craving for baked goods. Even plain, french bread with butter. I'd die for a piece of NorthStar Diner's bread. Carbs.
I have that happy go lucky idea of "all will be well". I spent too much on groceries today (which I rectified by putting next week's grocery money towards bills instead. Evened out. But still).

The good news is, it's a different kind of manic than it used to be.
Manic used to be irritable. Eating out. Spending money. Randomly buying animals, junk, etc. Unfocused. Unable to control.

This time it's different. I controlled it. I put back non-food items at the grocery store. It sounds simple, but good god, it wasn't. I was able to tell Ben to put the grocery cash back in the bank. I was able to pay bills, with Ben watching over my shoulder, with a fairly clear head.

Even manic, I feel more stable than I have in ages.

I can only hope that this mania was caused by lack of sleep, too much sleep (oddly enough, I had BOTH last night. Figure THAT out). Or from outside causes.

Either way, I'm okay with it. For now. We'll see what happens tomorrow.